Death, drought & choosing euthanasia

On Thursday morning at 9am I said goodbye to my gentle friend Fletcher.

For four awful days I’d known what was coming but the same four days were like Christmas for him.

During drought a horses’ final moments, weeks or even months can be more painful or stressful than they need to be…

And I felt I owed him more than that.

At 26, Fletcher’s body was failing and I didn’t want him slipping over one night and being left cold, alone, frightened and in pain…

With that said, he could still keep up with the younger knuckleheads and never lost his enthusiasm for food.

I’ve got no regrets about the timing, in fact I think it was perfect.

However, I chose a method of euthanasia and subsequent use of his remains, that really triggered a few people.

There’s no right answer with this- but to me it seemed right.

The practicality and sustainability aspect are important to me… and I guess I’m more accepting of a non-sterilised version of the circle of life these days

To make it a tad more challenging, I’m currently rolling solo on the farm so unfortunately I couldn’t run away with my hands over my ears going “LA LA LA..” while someone else took care of the details.

Below I’m going to outline how I prepared and what it was like.. So stop here if you’d rather not know

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With either the green dream or a rifle, there’s always a chance things can go wrong – so despite my grief, I put on my enormous big girl pants and put systems in place to reduce that risk.

Each morning I brought him up to the yard for a long, luxurious feast. I knew his appointment was at 9am so I made sure breakfast was served on time, each day.

I did this a) to give him an enthusiastic, positive association with coming to the yard and b) to habituate his bonded mate to him leaving for longer and longer periods each morning.

The yard I chose has big wide gates, with easy vehicle access. I didn’t know what kind of set up the man would have.. but the last guy came in a pretty big truck so I made sure there was plenty of room & easy access. I also checked that the gates could still swing both ways.

As far as Fletcher’s friends, on the first day I breakfasted the ponies right near him and gradually moved them further down the laneway on subsequent days. On the final day he could still see them.. but they were downhill and far enough away not to see what was going on.

I knew there was going to be a lot to prepare on Thursday morning, so I did the harder stuff the day before. I placed a few buckets of vinegar and water in his yard, ran the hose out and cut a piece from Fletcher’s tail. I’m not really into memorial mementos but I figured Future Me could decide whether to keep it or not.

On Thursday morning, annoyingly – it was windy AF… Not ideal. And even though Fletcher was more heightened than usual, he towed me towards the yard and barely looked up once he had his head in a bucket.

He had FAR too many oats for his first course, then a zillion carrots and a mountain of lucerne to follow.

The man arrived a little early and even though the sight of him made me spontaneously burst into tears – I was strangely relieved to see that he had a 4wd with a small, discreet, enclosed trailer… The type you could pull up next to at traffic lights and have no idea what was in there.

I didn’t bother torturing myself by trying not to cry, or even apologising for my streaming snot.. I just greeted him, gave him some cash and asked if he might use the buckets of vinegarry water to splash around to dilute some of the ‘mess’ when he was done.

The last guy who’d come to take away the brumby was quick and efficient but nervy and cold… and I figured they were probably key personality traits for people that do this for a job.

But this man was the total opposite.

He was kind, compassionate and patient… He told me to take as much time as I needed, as he wandered through the yard to close the gate on the far side.

He took the time to look at Fletcher thoughtfully and said

“The hardest part is making the decision and it looks like you’ve chosen the right time for him”

Thankfully but not surprisingly, Fletcher showed absolutely zero interest in the new man in his space. He looked up for a second and then went straight back to stuffing his face, doing a big satisfied exhale in the process.

I pointed to the ponies down the laneway and asked whether they were too close. He assured me they’d be ok and reminded me again that I didn’t need to stay.

I thanked him and said I’d drive onto the main road, out of earshot but able to see when he drove out.

Then I left, parked and played some music…. and expected ugly of crying to fall out of face.

Strangely it didn’t – because when I breathed in and looked around, I watched the shitty, overcast day as it became BEAUTIFULLY sunny.

The trees started literally sparkling in the wind…

Sitting up there, mustering thoughts of gratitude for Fletcher’s life – it was a magical few minutes. The whole farm looked like it was being sprinkled with glitter.

Nine minutes later, the man’s vehicle appeared in the driveway, with immaculate trailer in tow… That’s when the guttural, honky sobbing came.

He gave me a courtesy raise of the hand.. and I drove back towards the yard which was probably the hardest part.

I was dreading a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and was terrified there would be spurty evidence that it didn’t go smoothly.

But what I saw left behind was shocking, in the best possible way… There were no puddles of water, no blood, no dripping fences – literally nothing but a short drag mark through the hay and an empty yard.

The buckets were still full.

Unexpectedly, I was curious and examined the scene up REALLY close and found just two 20c sized patches of blood.

Furthermore, the ponies were just where I’d left them… eating, bickering and showing absolutely no signs of stress.

And as much as I’m carrying a lot of sadness, I also have no regrets and I’m so, so grateful that his long and easy life was extinguished instantly, with no fear and no pain.

For anyone who’s looking at a similar situation, my advice is to be prepared and engineer the final process as best you can. Many horses and owners don’t get to make that choice, so make the most of it

The only thing I would have done differently would have been to get some oral sedative from the vet. He didn’t really need it.. but the unexpected sideways wind could have caused more stress than I wanted.

Mostly though… look after yourself.

I’ve exercised more than usual this week, got back into meditating and listened to a great audiobook called ‘Do Hard Things’… It’s about how ‘hardening up’ is terrible advice, it’s about accepting discomfort and how thoughtful actions are what help with inner strength. Highly recommend.

Take care xx